Sunday, May 22, 2011

Grandmother Spider

As a newly practicing shamanic practitioner, I have felt pulled toward this Path and encouraged to walk it because I was told by my mentors and by personal shamanic journeys that I had the "Shamanic Illness." I was recently beside myself when I journeyed to the deer tick that bit me and inflicted me with my "illness" three and a half years ago which has recently and finally been diagnosed as chronic Lyme Disease, though I did not know at the time that I was ever bitten.

In a previous journey, months before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I asked what was the root cause of my illness. My Spirit Teacher brought me a big white box, with a red ribbon. I untied the ribbon, and out came this HUGE tick. I was frightened, and as my teacher sensed I was not ready, I was brought back to my body.

In this recent journey, I intended to meet this tick again. I wanted to ask the tick what great teachings it would bring me or would be bringing me. This time a few Spirit Teachers met me, and were talking to me, merging with me and giving me revelations and enlightenment and ~ great teachings.

Suddenly, I was brought to the huge tick! I had forgotten that I had previously asked to speak to it! It began crawling on my head and then appeared bigger than my own head...  Later, I found this very interesting. In shamanism, the thinking mind is never something to be revered.

But at that moment in the journey, I was so frightened! Then, one of my Spirit Teachers said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." I told him Roosevelt said that, but he argued that gave that to him. He said that the tick is another form of Grandmother Spider.

In most indigenous cultures, Grandmother Spider or Spider Woman, is a goddess of creation, spinning the Web we are all connected to and with. There are many, many stories reflecting her power and ancient knowledge, each giving different accounts of how Spider came to be and how she interacts with us.

The tick changed her shape to a large Black Spider... and spoke!

Her voice was ancient, whispy and crackly, "I am Grandmother Spider, in one of my forms before you."

"Why did you bite me?" I asked.

"I bite many people, hoping they will see. I am pleased that you see now."

She saw that I did not believe what she was saying. "Why me?" I asked.

"It was your Path," she answered. "You were not listening before your Calling and needed the Sacred Bite of Grandmother to wake up! You were among the many who sleep. There are many who choose to sleep.

"I know your Path has been a difficult awakening, and still as your eyes are widened, illusions will fall and you will see things as they truly are. It is not an easy Path to walk. But you are among the strong. I had great hope for you and still do - because you became stronger and you called on us, the Spirits."

"No," I said, "the Spirits called me and I thought I was going crazy."

"You asked for help and we answered. But, as you know now, you were never crazy. There are many who kill, steal, cheat, rape, lie and form their lives around material possesions, greed and hurting themselves and others. That is crazy. When the white man with their ways saw the natives ones of the Plains dancing their Ghost Dance, which honored the Ancestors passed, the white people judged them and massacred them, then boxed them in and changed their culture. Now that is crazy.

Don't you know I am smarter than humankind? I am wiser and more ancient! I have survived longer through more turns of weather and meteors!

That bacteria in your body is ancient and more intelligent than humankind! Humans are so young and naive, thinking they rule this Earth, but I tell you it is the ones who honor this Earth who will endure. You have been given Sacred Knowledge. Go with this and know it is Truth."

Later, I merged with Grandmother Tick/Spider in my transfiguration work. She changed to a lavender woman holding golden chords in her hands. It was the entire cosmos with the stars, planets and celestial bodies moving through it as she held out her long fingers. I could sense the Gift of Everything she held before me.

"See?" she said. "I knew you would 'see' it."

I basked in knowing her Gift of Everything for me is the Sweetness of the Journey I have gone through - the gain of so much knowledge, spiritual growth, Love from new friends and the turn of some relationships I had previously given up on. She also gives me the Bitterness of Physical Pain and Loss of Everything - tremendous physical pain some days and inability to walk on some occasions. The loss of my previous job, my home, many "friends" - of which now I realize were such necessary changes for me to transition to my present state. She also holds the Mystery of the Cosmos and my connection to everything that has a Spirit. Most of all, she has taught me to be able to surrender to the Cosmos - as it always knows what is for my Highest Good more than I can imagine.

Grandmother sang and her energy was sweet and warm now. I could feel how ancient she was and her compassion ran deep. She song so healing, I cried the entire time.

It was a Wheelchair Weekend



Having been given a new dose of Plaquenil for Stage III (chronic) Lyme Disease, I was having severe symptoms last week after only six days. My LLMD (that's Lyme Literate Doctor) prescribed this to me as I was beginning to have tremors that resembled my symptoms that I experienced back in 2009. During this time, I was evaluated at Nursing Home Level of Care, needing a wheelchair most of the time. Although I have gotten exponentially better and seldom need even a walker, I have been taking teasel root tinctures and Unda numbers for seven months now. I have learned that as you there is a die-off of the spirochetes, it releases neurotoxins that must be released. So, while on antibiotic therapy, it is imperative to detox as well. With the Plaquenil, which is an anti-malarial drug, the Lyme spirochetes were dying off too quickly for my body to get rid of them. My symptoms are now back to where they were at Nursing Level of Care. I have not sat in that wheelchair for two years, and I am now returning to it. But I know it is temporary, and only a symptom during my healing process.

The first symptom I noticed when I first popped Plaquenil down the hatch was a buzzing in my head within 15 minutes. I felt dizzy like the room was spinning. The second symptom I noticed was the aching in my stomach after I had taken the dose, and this did not appear to me until after a few doses. By the third day, I grew incredibly exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep. This was a throwback to when I first contracted Lyme back in 2007. I grew too tired to notice or even care about the crazy acne outbursts, hives, lower GI issues and seeing bright light flashes. Then the cognitive fog began to weave its way into my thought processes until word processing regarding speech diction and even not being able to think of a particular word began to resurface... and is still affecting the writing of this blog.

Most noticeable to others: the increase of tremors, which is exactly the opposite of why my LLMD prescribed this stuff in the first place. Of course, the brain fog is the worst because you are not as aware as you would be go notice what is happening to you. But as they grew worse, the tremors were starting to become worse than they had ever been, sending shock-like electric pulse waves down my spine and hips, causing my thighs to "clap" together forcefully, painfully. My right wrist and hand twisting inwardly repeatedly and pulsing, twitching, shaking. This would go on repeatedly throughout the day, exhausting my muscles in contractions, the pain becoming so strong I would pass out, only to be woken up by the same twitches and convulsing. Neurontin is the only thing that calms this down, however, medical science does not know how this medicine works.

Although I had called my LLMD had he told me that the Plaquenil seemed to strong for me right now and to discontinue, it seemed to be still killing off the spirochetes. He told me to take sarsaparilla, which would give me the additional help to clarify the blood and help with the liver and kidney to detox the bacteria out of my body. But within one week I was in that wheelchair again.

Today, Sunday, the pain in my hips from the tremors is rather strong. My mother used a heated massager on my hip and low back area. During this time, my tremors increased dramatically, but the massage felt so relieving I began to cry. The trade-off is that my hip muscles seem to have relaxed so much that they are not firing at all. I tried to make it to the bathroom and needed help from both of my folks. So, it's back to the darn wheelchair today.

Who knew that after 3.5 years the diagnosis I so hoped for would be so anticlimactic and the healing would be like walking on coals... all over again?


But I know this time I can do it. If I made it this far, I can do ANYTHING.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Where Will I Go When I Die?


Journeying shamanically to my Power Animal, he turned me into a swift, then a black horse. My teacher (who remains unnamed here) was also with me. We traveled to one of the levels of the Upper World. I asked with intention, Where would I go when I leave my body? For it is important to know or "map" the Land of the Dead if you,as a shamanic practitioner, are to assist others in going there as well when it is their time. Death is nothing to fear. It is really a birth of your spirit back to the Oneness and is truly beautiful and humbling to be witness to.

We came to the Sacred Tree. There were passed ancestors from this life and my family of power animals there. Then many teepees, and I returned to a bliss of living with a tribe in a past life. Fields and sun and flowers abounded, but, ironically, no insects tried to bite me. Also, there was a sacred mountain in the backdrop.

I saw every insect, bird, animal there and many helping spirits greeted me. I also greeted pets that have passed in this life, specifically, Lucy, a beagle I had when I was 10 years old. She was so happy to see me and I to see her! I picked her up and she licked my face and I hugged her. 

I looked around at this peaceful, blissful place. A dragonfly passed me and was heading to another dimension. Then I realized that it was there that I could choose to manifest into lifeforms in the next life. Whether it be a dragonfly, or someone named Tina D’Amore.

Journey to the Stones



I journeyed with my Power Animal to the Middle World to this stone I held in my right hand. It was a beautiful triangular piece of quartz that I had found in my yard with rose and lavender colors. I wanted to explore its consciousness, if it would allow me to. I have learned to always respect the boundaries of Nature.

As I journeyed, it’s mouth opened. I asked to enter. She showed me how she became from a million years ago. The mining in this area unearthed her. “I give and I give and I give,” she said. 

I saw tires, plastic purses, petroleum and tumbled gemstones for sale. I realized how much this is really a raping of her. My hand heated up and I told the stone that I would give to her now. I asked, “What can I give to you?” She replied, “The power of what you can do.”

I switched hands and put this beautiful stone into my left hand. My yang side then began to give to the yin of Mother Earth. I told her I have committed my life to giving back – and that I would be back. The stone was heated in my hand when I returned to Ordinary Reality.

A Ruckus of Crows



One Saturday afternoon, in the backyard of my grandparents' old house, I witnessed many crows flying about and causing a ruckus, which is, of course, normal for crows. What was so unusual this day was that there was a huge amount gathering in the sky directly over my head. I began to call back, mimicking each call like a mirror and really wondering what the hell I was actually saying. I wondered if I was enticing the fiasco of black wings in the sky. 

As my calls became more bellow-some and passionate, some brave members swooped down to closer to my head to take a closer look, perhaps trying to figure out what kind of crow I was, walking with two feet. 
This lasted for 15 minutes and they circled around. Relenting, they began to take their energy back up higher into the sky while keeping their circle in motion. At the end of this show, and as I had thought that I had seen the best of it, a bald eagle came out and swooped into the middle of the circle. It was as if Nature had set off fireworks and just released the finale!

Elated, and always open to the messages from the Spirits, I wondered if they were trying to tell me something. So a couple of days later when I had time, I decided to do a shamanic journey and ask some specific questions:

What were the huge group of crows trying to tell me Saturday? What was the meaning of the Eagle at the end of the whole event?
 
I saw the Spokesperson (the alpha crow who would often "crackle with me at my grandparents’ house in Ordinary Reality) crackle at me and say, “Come!” and then I flew into the woods, with more crows in the forest roost. They all said, “Come with us!” 

I experienced the reenactment of what happened in Ordinary Reality then traveled into the Earth to what is called the Lower World and came out on a tree branch. The crow was with me feeding me corn and stacking it all around me. I could almost not see. Next, I grew black wings and exploded out of the corn and flew up. The crows cawed with excitement and I flew with them into the sky.  As a two-legged, looking up into the sky, watching this, I heard, “They are recognizing you. Eagle has noticed you too.” 

Crow then sucked out energy from my spine – from my head to my feet. Bear emerged out of my body and tore my left leg, my right hand and head off. Owl landed and ate parts and left pellets. Crows came with so many numbers I could no longer see my body – things were just black feathers moving where my body was. Apparently, I was being shamanically dismembered once again.

I asked if it was over, but I heard the words, “Not yet – wait.” And then the tallest sunflower grew from my navel to the heavens, like images from the tale, Jack and the Beanstalk.  From the giant yellow sunflower came a blue butterfly that flew everywhere. Then a spider grabbed it out of the sky and ate it. Suddenly, a woodpecker with yellow and white wings ate the spider and flew off. Then an eagle caught the woodpecker in mid-flight and fed it to her eaglets. The eaglets messed on the ground and oak sprouts grew from those places. A mighty oak tree with mighty roots grew there. A voice said, “You are a part of everything. Grow strong.”

We are not Body Nor Mind - We are Pure Spirit - We are One



As I journeyed to the Lower World, Bear lovingly attacked me and lopped off my head (which was a good thing - I think too much!) and proceeded to eat me. Owl tore my insides with talons and beak...

A shamanic dismemberment is an honor and should not be taken as a frightening experience. On the contrary, it is a blessing and an act of Divine Love from the Spirits, for they wish to take you out of your form to experience the Oneness that you have forgotten since you have incarnated. Like a great siv, a shamanic dismemberment returns you to wholeness and Light as it removes the energy that is not serving your Highest Good at the time. If one has never experienced this before during a journey, it is the mark of a shamanic initiation.

I seeped into the Earth as blood and found Turtle, who asked me to climb on her back. We went into the sea. As a sea turtle, I was then swallowed by an orange starfish and then spit out. Then I traveled with Turtle more. She crept up on the shore and laid eggs. I was a baby turtle in one of the eggs. I hatched with my siblings and crawled out of the nest to the sea. A pelican ate me. I became H2O and then fed oxygen to Turtle through her skin. She came up and breathed and then I was CO2 and fed a tree. 

Next, I was in the middle of a teepee. I was the smoke from the fire rising to the top. Then, I was the buffalo that was hunted that became the hide of the teepee. Quickly I was smoke again and left out of the open top of the teepee into the sky.

I then saw an eye of an elephant as she ate a leaf. I saw her baby nursing and saw that the energy of the leaf fed the baby with milk. I followed the elephants traveling trunk to tail. I turned to water as they drank it through their trunk and as I washed them in a bath. I became a leaf again, and a lime green caterpillar ate me. I turned into a cocoon and became a Luna moth. As I came back to my body, I was a butterfly with black trim, but kept changing from electric blue to green, flashing between the two colors.

Talking Turkey



Awoken by a gobbling this morning outside my bedroom window, I skillfully peaked out the shade to find a large Tom Turkey which seemed to be serenading me at 5:30am. He noticed me, to my chagrin, but surprisingly kept bellowing his love call.  A bit of a naturalist, I do know that in late April most hens have found their mates, and in fact may be laying eggs at this point. Poor Tom. Or is he?

He seemed to be quoting a soliloquy that began, "It is the east and Juliet is the sun." He fluffed all his feathers, his beard pronounced and even kicked out his leg as he called with all his lung power. Still I knew he was young and smaller than some turkeys I have had the chance to see. Hens most likely sensed his youth and need for growth to come into his own. But he is still searching, asserting his will.

Timing is always everything. The Universe is perfect in creating a dance of when things happen and when things do not happen. It is our choice to fight against the flow or go with it. When we fight Divine Perfection, we may find more things will go against what is meant to be. So, it is just better to surrender and let go. It is such a feeling of freedom knowing that you do not have to worry so much, that whatever gives you joy in the moment is what is meant to be in that moment. The future lies in that moment - not in worrying about it. The future is a seed of the events of the moment. So, water the present moment. Events will roll out of be-ing and expressing what is within you in the moment.

In Native cultures, a turkey represents the give-away. As a tribal member, a person who gives away the most to the community is one of the most respected. Turkey medicine comes out of the realization that all Life is sacred, as the Great Spirit resides within all. We can learn much from turkey.

My morning visitor, Tom Turkey, most likely has another good year to round himself out and work on that gobble. Not that it's not striking and not that he doesn't feel passionately and innately drawn to breed. So, when the Universe wills it, he will find what he is searching for. But it doesn't hurt to keep moving towards it, as long as it's with the flow.

Grateful for the Tick

During the past five months, I have been working with an integrative health doctor due to my neurological issues I have had since 2007. He came highly recommended by several people and other doctors I know. He suspected Lyme Disease. This surprised me, since I had been tested for it by the standard ELISA test about three or four times during the past three and a half years and all results came back negative.

He explained to me that these tests the antibodies in my system that fight against the bacteria, and if my immune system is down, there will be no antibodies to measure. He told me we had to build up my immune system again before he retested me. The tests given to most patients who initially show symptoms of Lyme are only 50% reliable, giving false negatives and also false positives. The tests routinely given by most docs is the ELISA test, which is standard CDC procedure (which needs some tweaking too, in my opinion). The thing they don't realize (or maybe want to admit) is that it measures the ANTIBODIES in the blood of the patient. So, if a patient is having a flare at the time and the immune system is down, the antibodies will not be fighting, so they will not show up on the test. I had recently had a Western Blot test, which had shown some bands for Lyme, but the way the test is done doesn't indicate what bands are found and where in the blood and at what time.

Right away, he had me do a detox diet and started me doing an herbal antibiotic and homeopathic remedies. I did not want to do a harsh standard antibiotic treatment - although it was an option - which would hurt my digestive tract and liver. The reason detoxing is done concurrently with the antibiotic is because the Borrelia burgdorferi bacteria releases a neurotoxin as it is killed off, which is called the Herxheimer Reaction. Really, all the symptoms come back in full force. So I am currently on the least amount homeopathically, and when I go up to the next level, I can barely walk. It's quite astonishing.  

After a few months of an herbal antibiotic and detoxing, my doctor gave the green light to test again. I was finally diagnosed with a test that was sent out to Cali. It is more detailed and tells the doctor exactly what is floating around in the blood and how long I've had this. Basically, he tells me it's done nerve damage at this point because it's been misdiagnosed and untreated for 3 1/2 years. But as a healer, I believe I am healing now, and so are all the nerve cells in my body. Hell, I no longer need a wheelchair, so watch me!

There are soooo many people with chronic Lyme with a similar story. Some have been misdiagnosed with MS, Lupus, and of course a few have been told it was "in their heads," which at one point I was told as well. I shake my head at it all. Of course, as a woman, I wonder if more woman with Lyme (or any other undiagnosed illness) are accused of the "it's in your head" theory because they are a woman, and doctors feel a need to label.

But I know there is a reason for everything, and though I would not want to restep the path of what has happened to me, I would not want it to happen any other way. I am somehow utterly grateful for the tick that bit me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Spirit of Joy and Magic


I feel like a Phoenix, and have developed a huge sense of renewal since my illness. I cannot describe it in few words, but I know that it indeed was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. There were times when I thought I would never be able to normally walk again. It was a dreadful, terrible feeling. I would sit outside and watch people walk by the house so effortlessly and think, "They don't even know what they have - they are living in forgetfulness - and I have been as well." I realized that without working legs, all I wanted to do was walk. I had not been living in gratitude. I have learned since that every day is a gift.  Now when I am walking, I am thankful. And the days or weeks when I am having trouble walking, I know it is temporary and I will walk again.

What got me through my “Dark Night of the Soul” was envisioning myself walking – envisioning this every day. I would tell myself I would walk again and that I would not need a wheelchair. I kept seeing this and focusing on it. I found an excellent physical therapist and we found that my body responded well to pool therapy. Once my legs realized they could move with the support of the water, without so much pain, it seemed like a quicker path back to homeostasis. When I could finally get out of the pool without collapsing, without the support of the water (the difference between the water and air was amazing!), I added light weights and stationary bike to my routine- three minutes at a time, then five, then six…  This succession took me a few weeks.

By the end of a few months, I was pushing 90lbs with my legs. I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, but these diagnoses did not include issues with legs and tremors and I felt (as well as my primary care doctor) that these were overlooking some severe neurological symptoms that were not explained by most medical books. These diagnoses also did not satisfy me because none of the medications or supplements for fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome did anything to help. 

One suspect at the time was that the 2007 flu shot may have caused an autoimmune response, since my symptoms came on like a flu and were extremely debilitating as far as my respiratory system goes. This "mystery illness" at the time seemed untreatable and was not asthmatic, despite aggressive nebulizer treatments, a 14-day round of antibiotics and steroids. I remember the worst of it was when I needed to take three breaths to say one sentence.  

Within one month, all of my glands were incredibly swollen, it looked like I had the mumps, but I tested negative for that and mono. My underarms swelled out to the size of peaches. Tests for lymphoma, standard ELISA test for Lyme, Cat Scratch Fever, HIV, syphilis and every other infectious disease were ordered – still nothing. Then my hands started swelling and hurting to use, but I was negative for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and other suspect autoimmune diseases. When April 2008 rolled around, I had lost my job, lost my apartment, and had to move in with my parents because I was so ill. 

Then one day, while taking Maggie (my parents’ little Cairn terrier) for a walk, my knees grew week, and my legs would not support me. I found them sinking to the ground and as weak as spaghetti.  I just sat there in the road wondering how I was going to get back home, as my legs would not work. 

After a rest, I was thankfully able to get back up. My legs were trembling and shaking madly, but I slowly made it back to my parents’ house, where my step-father then took me to the ER. This was the beginning of the round of testing for multiple sclerosis and other diseases of the nervous system.  That was over two years ago.

Now with with my current diagnosis of chronic Lyme Disease, I understand that the bacteria may have sat dormant in my body for the summer of 2007 and all that it needed was a "kick" of the flu vaccine that December for my immune system to allow it to take over. I never had the erythema migrans rash, the bulls-eye mark that occurs in a percentage of those who become infected with Lyme Disease.


I still have "flares" every 4-6 weeks and if I get a flu virus. During these times, I use a walker or cane and sometimes my legs buckle completely, but it is only temporary and can last about one week. When I caught the Swine Flu in November 2009, all my symptoms came back in its entirety. It took me months to feel symptom-free again.

To make things a bit more difficult during the worst of my illness, my grandfather, Charlie, passed in January 2009 at the blessed age of 92. He always was a bit of a father figure for me, as I adopted him as one when my parents’ divorced when I was only four. He will be remembered for always telling great stories and jokes, being the source of fantastic magic tricks and teaching me almost every New England bird and bird call I still know. I know he is never truly gone though, as he has joined his wife and my grandmother, Vera, right here in my heart.

Spiritually, I have had many enlightening moments. While I was going through the worst part of my mysterious illness, I was being treated by an acupuncturist. She told me of a shaman I should see. When I did see the shaman, I explained what was happening to me, and of the many lucid dreams and visions I was having. After some introspection, she told me I was having the "Shamanic Calling." I did not know what she meant, but she explained that when someone is sick the way I was and continues to not be diagnosed, coupled with the type of dreams and visions I was having frequently, it is a sign that a person is being called to be a shaman. I didn't really know how to take that information, but I allowed myself to be healed in several ceremonies and soon after was accepted into her Shamanic Apprenticeship. The past two years has been an eye and heart-opening experience, to say the very least.

With these healings, the two years of shamanic training, my own determination and physical therapy, I am walking normally 75% of the time now, where I was evaluated at Nursing Home Level of Care in 2009. Do I attribute all of my healing to outside sources? No, as I am a firm believer for those that have illness that they must have the intention to “Heal Thyself.”  For that is how all healing works.  I also believe in a balance between Western and alternative medicines. My goal is not to be disabled for the rest of my life.
I know I need to write a book on this bewildering and yet blessed experience. I am just trying to figure out where to begin!

Looking forward, I have started my business, 3 Crows Healing. This is my website: www.3crowshealing.com  if you are interested in seeing what I do and what has healed me.

Wishing you the Spirit of Joy, Love, Child-like Wonder and the Belief in Magic and Miracles to be with you not just during this time of year, but every day!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Transfiguration and Merging




Today, as I did my merging and transfiguration work, which is something I do frequently, I merged with a teacher of mine who gives me great peace.

For those readers who are not familiar with what the term "transfiguration" means, it is a term that was coined by Sandra Ingerman and is rather esoteric work. Shamans, and those who are familiar with journeying, spiritually traveling to other dimensions, meet their power animals from the Lower World, or teachers from the Upper World to "merge." Those power animals in the Lower World (which appears very earthy to most shamans) and teachers Upper World (which appears to most as rather ethereal) have already built a rapport with the shaman before this transfiguration work. Merging simply means "dropping form" since in reality (and non-reality) we are all formless. It is we humans who are the ones caught up on form.

As I stated, for many the teachers in the Upper World seem more ethereal, more angelic. Whatever one's spiritual or cultural background, if one passes into either the Lower or Upper World, you are free of your ego or the mind, which is very limiting  in any case, but particularly shamanic work. These teachers and power animals who appear can be quite surprising, as someone with a Buddhist background may have Christ appear as his or her teacher, or someone with a Christian background may have a Hindu Goddess be one of their teachers.

Something that is well known in shamanism is to never "brag" about one's teacher or power animal. To do so will take the power away from the relationship one has with the force. It is well known that Isis is one of Sandra Ingerman's teachers. Sandra does not brag about Isis, but writes of her interactions with Isis. And that is what I will do here.

When I merge, my heart is open to merge with whomever teacher wishes to come to me. I put on a CD called Wavepool by Robert Rand, and with the familiar sound, open up to whatever experience may happen. Today, as I inhaled and exhaled deeply, and knew she was in the room. Many times, I may need to journey to the Lower or Upper World, but today, she was right there, waiting for me to merge with her.

Sometimes, I may see a form in my inner eye (as my eyes are closed) of one of my teachers who wishes to do this work with me. But today, it was her voice that appeared first and said softly and powerfully, "Your hear is so open, so easily. You have come far, you have endured much. I come to you to tell you that it is time to shine your blessings where you go." It was the Blessed Mother. She appeared with a long gown and a covering over her hair. "I take many forms," she said, almost reading my mind, as I was remarking how she looked different from the last time we met, when she appeared to me as a large green python.

"Why are my hips hurting so much today?" I asked. She showed me baby snakes coming out of them, and I was reminded of a previous journey a friend of mine did for me. She replied, "Your energy is vibrating at a different level, your creativity at your second chakra is coming out and willing itself to manifest. Your body is adjusting to this."

She showed me writing this experience in my journal. She showed me writing all my experiences with the Divine. "Yes, you must write," she said, "but first experience what we have." And with this, she was telling me, cautioning me to not get in my head too much. I know in the past I have wondered how I would write my experiences, and this was my answer: "Do not worry, it will come. Relax and we will help you." The Great Mother was telling me that many of my helping spirits and guides would be helping me along this process - and I saw light coming from my fingers. I knew that I would be somehow channeling their messages.

At this point, her form changed to a golden pink light.

I asked her to drop her form, and I dropped mine. This is the beginning of merging. Dropping your form, your ego, and merging with your teachers, is the intention. One must realize that their "form" is their body. Going even deeper, the form of one's teacher you are perceiving at the time must also be dropped. I had been perceiving the Divine Mother as a green python (previously), a human form of the Blessed Mother, and lastly as the golden pink light. Even though this light may seem formless, it is a perception. The Divine Mother was appearing to me in those specific forms so I, as a human, would be able to recognize her.

The act of merging energy is not as difficult as some would think, of course, thinking has nothing to do with it! In fact, it is best to keep the left brain out of the experience altogether, as it just ruins it. When I merged with the Divine Mother today, our energies intermingled and my body felt lighter and responded by tingling all over. In my training, what is done next when you have the build-up of energy like this, you must not hold it back, so the large part of transfiguration work is to now tone and express the experience you are having in the present moment. Again, this is not about thinking, one's teacher will take over the voice and the toning - not language - but pure sound of Spirit, is expressed.

This piece of work, which is incredibly transforming for the practitioner, is wonderfully healing to everything else. It can be used to heal spaces, plants, trees and people. It is akin to spiritual cleansing, but in a more esoteric way. The intention held is to hold your Divine Light, but what is tricky, is to not intend healing upon others. Because you are a shining ball of light, the effect you have while others around you is for them to just absorb the light you are radiating.

In my training, I have learned that repeated healings of this have helped stroke patients walk again. In fact, many shamans around the world gather at the same time to do this work to hold the intention to radiate Divine Light for events such as 911, Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Haiti and the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. What is most wonderful is that this work can effect people on personal levels as well as for the intention to heal others and Mother Earth - our Divine Mother.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

In a Dark Time



















In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood--
A lord of nature weeping to a tree,
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What's madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall,
That place among the rocks--is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is--
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

~ Theodore Roethke

Dust of Snow









The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.

~ Robert Frost

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Crow's Feet



The noon sun blinds me
as I walk my dog
She pulls me toward her
usual walk by the sea
But in the brightness I
hear crows cawing, calling me
Saying, This is the Path I will take.

As I turn with the sun on my back
I find a single black crow
cawing against an untainted snowy field

She calls out
to her two companions across my path
Settling shiny dark feathers onto
proud backs -
While the bare arms of an
ancient oak embrace them
in the raw ocean winter wind.

The single crow flies over me
to meet the two
I hear her wings whisper over my head
Then she jolts the silence with her
"Caw! Caw!"

Their energy is so familiar.
They bring me back to the days
My Grandfather would feed the crows at 6am
cawing and calling with
such Crow Perfection.
A full murder would appear
calling back to Grandfather
thanking him
as if he was one of them -
Maybe he was.

And what is in my blood? This
bursting energy?
"Caw! Caw!" I call
to the three birds in the oak.
They peer at me in silence
and two fly away.
I should have practiced my crow call
with Grandfather, I think.

I see more lingering energy beneath me
puzzles of track marks, animal energies
captured in the dusty snow.
Peaceful deer hooves searching for food,
I feel their hunger.
Feisty red squirrels,
quick to act, leaving anxious energy in the road.

My dog is consumed by a scent
as I am intrigued by the snowy tracks.
Her nose is covered with the white powder
as she looks up at me.

The snow on the road hits the sun
and a crow print is revealed.
A three-prong track with a tree-like tail -
a child's drawing of a tree.
The energy is deliberate, strong.
"I am here," Crow says.

As my dog and I persist down the path
My legs begin to walk
slowly, with deliberate stride.
My feet feel the ground, my toes
are transformed into three prongs,
my heel into one.
I straddle the Earth.
My back is straight, my head high.
I am not alone.
The Ancient Ones walk with me.

My black coat grows into shiny black feathers
as I lift my arms
The sun meets me over the hill
and my wings spread out
to greet it, ready to fly.

Suddenly, I hear the familiar caws near me.
The three sentinels are waiting, calling, laughing
Watching from a maple -
They followed me on my Path.
They caw and laugh with me.

I tilt my head back, eyes closed in the sun
and laugh and caw
as they fly away for me.






Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Voices and Visions: Tatanka Iyatanka




Recently, an old Native Chief has given his image and proud face with full headdress to me several times. Once, while I washed my face, I saw this closing my eyes, appearing in my inner eye like a negative photo. It was a strong vision, but I did not know what to make of it.  

Another time later, I felt four Native people standing at the foot of my bed; one brave, two women and the Chief, again with full headress. I don’t know if I was dreaming or awake, as I was so ill at the time. But it seems it penetrated my dreams later.

Again, while I was showering, this Chief appeared in my mind again. I heard this word, “tatanka” and said it aloud. “Tatanka, tatanka, tatanka,” and it seemed so familiar to me.  

I know the Lakota word, “tatanka” because I have seen the movie Dances with Wolves a handful of times. I tried to dismiss this connection. But the light on the buffalo continued. There is another word the Chief was telling me, but I could not hear it.  

So finally I watched the bull. The Chief gives away his name by showing a light on the Plains: I see a huge bull buffalo ready to rush and charge, kill if necessary. He stands and is pawing at the Earth, nostrils flaring. I see the steam and the great grass around him.

Buffalo Stands Ground. This is his name. He is a Plains Chief, a great man. I do not know what tribe, but he shares with me all his sadness in the loss of his People. Suddenly, I feel the need to read up on the Battle of Wounded Knee...

Upon doing so, I read that there were several Chiefs involved with Wounded Knee... When I saw all the photos of the Chiefs, during that treacherous time, I saw many who did not seem familiar. But then I saw one Chief’s photo, and tears just welled up in my eyes. It was the figure I have been seeing, headdress and all. Strong face, proud mouth, prominent nose. None of the other photos clicked at all, but his did. 

His name: Sitting Bull. I have heard of him, of course, but never have read about, seen a picture, or connected to that name in this way. After doing some inner work, I feel now that he is one of my Guides.

In Lakota, his name is Tatanka Iyotanka. Tatanka is Buffalo, not Bull. After my visions, I was not sure what Iyotanka meant, but I didn’t think the direct translation was "sitting." I got that it was more "standing ground" which was perhaps misinterpreted as "sitting."
More research told me that according to his fellow tribesmen, the name Sitting Bull suggested “an animal possessed of great endurance, his build much admired by the People, and when brought to bay planted immovably on his haunches to fight on to the death.” (Utley, Robert M. Sitting Bull: The Life and Times of an American Patriot. p. 15)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Christina's World, circa 2008



One weekend afternoon, just recently, I was outside with my dad, who was watering the rock garden in the front yard which contains masses of rosa ragosa, poppies, day lilies and iris. Having walked outside with a cane and needing to sit because my legs were shaking from exhaustion, I laid down onto the hill which is our front yard. It overlooks the Damariscotta River and a very rural road below.

Suddenly I was brought back to the days when my brother and I would roll down the hill just to the stone wall garden that lines the road. We would never be concerned with the grass stains or insects crawling on our bodies. Laying on my stomach, arms supporting me, I smelled the green grass, absorbed the summer sun, and looked up to see my mother on the front porch of the house, which is on the top of the hill. The white house is 180 years old, given to my parents by my mother's parents.

I think it was the position I was laying, stomach down, supported by my arms, looking up the hill at the house which held so many memories for me that I stopped all thoughts.

Every cell in my mind saw Andrew Wyeth's famous painting, Christina's World. I had remembered building a website once and naming it the same name, and linking the painting at the top of the page. This time, I was the same crippled Christina, for the lack of a better word. As far as my life as come, it was one of the more surreal moments so far.

Upon doing research, Christina Olson and myself, Christina D'Amore, have some things in common. Having grown up not too far from Thomaston, ME, which is about an hour from where I live now, Christina Olson dabbled in teaching as well. Although I grew up an hour from Boston, it seems she was also quite the fiesty, determined spirit too.

Christina's World is the most famous work by American painter Andrew Wyeth (who unfortunately passed last year) and one of the best-known American paintings of the 20th century. Painted in 1948, this tempera work is displayed at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. It depicts Christina Olson, who had an undiagnosed muscular deterioration that paralyzed her lower body—likely Polio. She was a strong and independent woman who did not let anything stop her from getting what and where she wanted. She looks at her house, dreading the crawl back but eager for the warmth it holds for her. She, her brother, and Wyeth's neighbors are the subjects of a number of paintings of Wyeth.

Christina Olson was a real person. She was born May 3, 1893 and died January 27, 1968. Except for the last two months of her life, she lived her entire life in the house on the hill in the painting. She lived there with her parents until they died and then lived there with her younger brother, Al until they both had to finally leave the family home in November 1967 because of health reasons. The house is located on a hill at Hathorn Point on the coast of Maine at Cushing. Today, the house is preserved as a tourist attraction. Maybe some
readers have visited the Olson Home.

At age three, Christina was already walking with an odd gait and had difficulty with balance. Her mother wondered if there had been some unknown injury, illness, or undetected birth defect. She encouraged Christina to practice walking straight on the seams of the linoleum on the floor. A few years later, her father took her on a six-hour buggy ride to see a doctor in Rockland, Maine. However, Christina stomped and protested and the doctor was never consulted.

She progressed through school and was able to walk the mile and a half to school despite her stumbling gait. The school only had eight grades. Christina was persuaded to attend an additional year because her teacher noted that she was intelligent and curious. The teacher hoped that Christina might become a teacher herself. Because of her mother's failing health, Christina took over managing the sixteen room family home at age thirteen. She excelled in homemaking skills and was an excellent seamstress. She also was the master of many nautical skills. Still, at age thirteen, her unnatural, stumbling gait was very evident.

Perhaps, the happiest years of her life were between ages 19 and 24. Many families spent summers in the area and in 1912 Christina met and fell in love with a young man who attended Harvard. They exchanged many letters during the winters and spent time together during the summers. In 1917, this young man stopped writing. He had met another young woman and married. In one of his letters to Christina, he had written "She can row a boat, climb a tree, harness a horse, and drive a carriage. She outshines me in everything here at Cushing." The young man was a scholar, and Christina was able to communicate intellectually with him.

Christina's disability progressed as she got older. In her twenties, she began to fall often. Her mother made her kneepads to wear under her long dresses. She would not tolerate anyone referring to her as crippled. She would state that she was just lame and could do most everything that anyone else could do. In 1918 (age 25) she enjoyed a trip to Boston. At age twenty-six, she could walk no more than three steps without grabbing an object, her hands were weakening, and she was experiencing exhaustion after ordinary tasks.

After avoiding doctors all her life, she consented to a medical evaluation and was admitted to Boston City Hospital in March 1919 for an evaluation. The doctors were not able to diagnose her condition and told her to keep doing what she was doing. A team of five doctors, including a specialist saw her. Some form of "electrical" treatment was considered, but not done. She was advised to spend as much time outdoors as possible. Christina was relieved, as she had finally done what her parents had wanted for years. Doctors had examined her.

Christina continued to be a master at dressmaking and was a wonderful aunt to her brothers' children. By 1946 (age 53), she was no longer able to stand, had stopped trying to walk, and resorted to crawling. She resisted the use of a wheelchair despite the fact that her own father had begun using a wheelchair as early as 1922. She had a dear friend who lived in a house eight hundred feet away. She could crawl this distance in less than an hour, but would arrive quite fatigued.

Betsy James, who grew up as a friend of the Olson family, married Andrew Wyeth. Wyeth became a familiar person around the Olson farm and many of his paintings involve Olson farm sites. In 1948 Wyeth sketched Christina as she crawled down the hill to visit her parent's graves. The dress she wears in the painting is one she made and wore a few years earlier at her nephew's wedding. Christina was amused by the fame of the painting. After Christina's death, Betsy Wyeth stated, "She was a great friend who never asked for or expected anything and gave unconditionally."

Staff at the museum in Farnsworth, Maine simply state that Christina Olson's disability is unknown, but that she probably had some type of degenerative disorder. According to the museum, she did not have polio, but this is not known for certain. Currently at the Farnsworth Museum, there is an exhibit of photographs pertaining to the Olson House. Commentary about the photographs includes the following:

"Concerning the 1918 photograph of Christina and her mother, she had made the trip to Boston earlier that year to consult doctors on her increasing disability. She was told that the best cure for her condition was a quiet life in the country. Christina was stricken with what is believed to have been polio as a child."

The description of her symptoms is somewhat suggestive of Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease, which is a hereditary disorder that involves a bilateral weakness in the muscles of the lower legs. Friedreich's Ataxia is another possibility. Her disorder may have been a mild form of cerebral palsy. Polio still remains a possible explanation. Christina's decline as she grew older is also suggestive of Post-Polio Syndrome, but the same decline might also occur with other neuromuscular disorders.

Whatever the disorder, Christina's adjustment and denial of her disability are similar to that of many polio children who have grown to adulthood. Her bright mind, her unwillingness to accept help from others, her dislike of assistive devices, and her determination to be normal is very much like the resolve exemplified by polio survivors. In your lifetime since polio, how do you see your world?

"Christina's World" possesses such a haunting quality that it is understandable why so many people know of it and are touched by it. It is immediately discernable in the painting, that Christina is not simply in repose. With her frail legs peeking out from her pink gown and her torso twisted ever so strangely, it is obvious that she is on a mission. Wisps of hair have come loose from her ponytail and float gently in the breeze.

Many of the small details imply determination and courage in Christina's character. It is speculated that she is crawling across her property to visit the graves of her parents. She refused to use a wheelchair and preferred to crawl. Once a sickly child himself, perhaps Wyeth related to Christina on some hidden level. Wyeth contracted whooping cough at a young age, which left him with bronchial problems that made him prone to colds. After completing the third grade, Wyeth's parents took him out of school and home-schooled him until the age of eighteen. Wyeth later indicated that because of his home-schooling and recurrent illnesses, he was left alone a lot of the time. There exits a solitary, yet courageous quality to this painting that perhaps Wyeth needed to impart.

The melancholy and fierce resolve that emanates from this work is intensely mesmerizing and people were and still are drawn to it. The fame of "Christina's World" rose from the mystery that the painting created. Christina's face is not visible, and therefore the viewer is not privy to any emotion that her facial expression would have provided. However, through Andrew Wyeth's mastery with the paintbrush, the painting emanates perseverance and silent strength, and instills in the viewer a desire to learn more about its history and its creator. "Christina's World" captivates your attention and does not let go. In my mind, if I could call out to Christina in the painting, I imagine her turning her head and responding with a smile.


Sources:

http://www.ott.zynet.co.uk/polio/lincolnshire/library/drhenry/christinasworld.html

http://www.ezilon.com/articles/articles/4741/1/Captivated-by-Christinas-World

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Orchis











The Orchis

Delicate and graceful
the orchid once stood
to expose the purity of white blossoms
and lively verdant leaves 




But then came the tainted
bitterness of winter,
and the yellow sunspots from a summer
of dizzy heat and southern exposure.

Now
the tropical promise sits silently
watching over a gray city from a window
tempered with warm sunny afternoons
and cool evenings.
Suddenly, the offering of
a new leaf
Her blossoms still hidden,
she brings forth a sign
she has been dormant only -
but never without Life.

The Paradoxical Commandments

The Paradoxical Commandments



People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.


by Kent M. Keith




Dimly Lit Room

Dimly Lit Room


Bodies enraptured

striving to capture

stories remolding

bodies unfolding

passion that Bloomed

in that dimly lit room


it began by a giggle

tickle by tickle

then a groping touch

a moan quite Hushed


Ecstasy unsatisfied

Two hungers exercised

as oceans met rivers

caresses and quivers

and discrete Whispers

and slowly

She stirred


From that Dimly lit room

true Love did bloom

by morning unveiling

eyes Azure by bed railing


Smooth cheek unblushed

his eyelashes rise

emotions realize

a small grin so pure

full lips that cure


Lifted spirits bound

One new path found