Spirit of Joy and Magic

I feel like a Phoenix, and have developed a huge sense of renewal since my illness. I cannot describe it in few words, but I know that it indeed was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. There were times when I thought I would never be able to normally walk again. It was a dreadful, terrible feeling. I would sit outside and watch people walk by the house so effortlessly and think, "They don't even know what they have - they are living in forgetfulness - and I have been as well." I realized that without working legs, all I wanted to do was walk. I had not been living in gratitude. I have learned since that every day is a gift.  Now when I am walking, I am thankful. And the days or weeks when I am having trouble walking, I know it is temporary and I will walk again.

What got me through my “Dark Night of the Soul” was envisioning myself walking – envisioning this every day. I would tell myself I would walk again and that I would not need a wheelchair. I kept seeing this and focusing on it. I found an excellent physical therapist and we found that my body responded well to pool therapy. Once my legs realized they could move with the support of the water, without so much pain, it seemed like a quicker path back to homeostasis. When I could finally get out of the pool without collapsing, without the support of the water (the difference between the water and air was amazing!), I added light weights and stationary bike to my routine- three minutes at a time, then five, then six…  This succession took me a few weeks.

By the end of a few months, I was pushing 90lbs with my legs. I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, but these diagnoses did not include issues with legs and tremors and I felt (as well as my primary care doctor) that these were overlooking some severe neurological symptoms that were not explained by most medical books. These diagnoses also did not satisfy me because none of the medications or supplements for fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome did anything to help. 

One suspect at the time was that the 2007 flu shot may have caused an autoimmune response, since my symptoms came on like a flu and were extremely debilitating as far as my respiratory system goes. This "mystery illness" at the time seemed untreatable and was not asthmatic, despite aggressive nebulizer treatments, a 14-day round of antibiotics and steroids. I remember the worst of it was when I needed to take three breaths to say one sentence.  

Within one month, all of my glands were incredibly swollen, it looked like I had the mumps, but I tested negative for that and mono. My underarms swelled out to the size of peaches. Tests for lymphoma, standard ELISA test for Lyme, Cat Scratch Fever, HIV, syphilis and every other infectious disease were ordered – still nothing. Then my hands started swelling and hurting to use, but I was negative for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and other suspect autoimmune diseases. When April 2008 rolled around, I had lost my job, lost my apartment, and had to move in with my parents because I was so ill. 

Then one day, while taking Maggie (my parents’ little Cairn terrier) for a walk, my knees grew week, and my legs would not support me. I found them sinking to the ground and as weak as spaghetti.  I just sat there in the road wondering how I was going to get back home, as my legs would not work. 

After a rest, I was thankfully able to get back up. My legs were trembling and shaking madly, but I slowly made it back to my parents’ house, where my step-father then took me to the ER. This was the beginning of the round of testing for multiple sclerosis and other diseases of the nervous system.  That was over two years ago.

Now with with my current diagnosis of chronic Lyme Disease, I understand that the bacteria may have sat dormant in my body for the summer of 2007 and all that it needed was a "kick" of the flu vaccine that December for my immune system to allow it to take over. I never had the erythema migrans rash, the bulls-eye mark that occurs in a percentage of those who become infected with Lyme Disease.


I still have "flares" every 4-6 weeks and if I get a flu virus. During these times, I use a walker or cane and sometimes my legs buckle completely, but it is only temporary and can last about one week. When I caught the Swine Flu in November 2009, all my symptoms came back in its entirety. It took me months to feel symptom-free again.

To make things a bit more difficult during the worst of my illness, my grandfather, Charlie, passed in January 2009 at the blessed age of 92. He always was a bit of a father figure for me, as I adopted him as one when my parents’ divorced when I was only four. He will be remembered for always telling great stories and jokes, being the source of fantastic magic tricks and teaching me almost every New England bird and bird call I still know. I know he is never truly gone though, as he has joined his wife and my grandmother, Vera, right here in my heart.

Spiritually, I have had many enlightening moments. While I was going through the worst part of my mysterious illness, I was being treated by an acupuncturist. She told me of a shaman I should see. When I did see the shaman, I explained what was happening to me, and of the many lucid dreams and visions I was having. After some introspection, she told me I was having the "Shamanic Calling." I did not know what she meant, but she explained that when someone is sick the way I was and continues to not be diagnosed, coupled with the type of dreams and visions I was having frequently, it is a sign that a person is being called to be a shaman. I didn't really know how to take that information, but I allowed myself to be healed in several ceremonies and soon after was accepted into her Shamanic Apprenticeship. The past two years has been an eye and heart-opening experience, to say the very least.

With these healings, the two years of shamanic training, my own determination and physical therapy, I am walking normally 75% of the time now, where I was evaluated at Nursing Home Level of Care in 2009. Do I attribute all of my healing to outside sources? No, as I am a firm believer for those that have illness that they must have the intention to “Heal Thyself.”  For that is how all healing works.  I also believe in a balance between Western and alternative medicines. My goal is not to be disabled for the rest of my life.

I know I need to write a book on this bewildering and yet blessed experience. I am just trying to figure out where to begin!

Looking forward, I have started my business, 3 Crows Healing. This is my website: www.3crowshealing.com  if you are interested in seeing what I do and what has healed me.

Wishing you the Spirit of Joy, Love, Child-like Wonder and the Belief in Magic and Miracles to be with you not just during this time of year, but every day!