Grandmother Spider

As a newly practicing shamanic practitioner, I have felt pulled toward this Path and encouraged to walk it because I was told by my mentors and by personal shamanic journeys that I had the "Shamanic Illness." I was recently beside myself when I journeyed to the deer tick that bit me and inflicted me with my "illness" three and a half years ago which has recently and finally been diagnosed as chronic Lyme Disease, though I did not know at the time that I was ever bitten.

In a previous journey, months before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I asked what was the root cause of my illness. My Spirit Teacher brought me a big white box, with a red ribbon. I untied the ribbon, and out came this HUGE tick. I was frightened, and as my teacher sensed I was not ready, I was brought back to my body.

In this recent journey, I intended to meet this tick again. I wanted to ask the tick what great teachings it would bring me or would be bringing me. This time a few Spirit Teachers met me, and were talking to me, merging with me and giving me revelations and enlightenment and ~ great teachings.

Suddenly, I was brought to the huge tick! I had forgotten that I had previously asked to speak to it! It began crawling on my head and then appeared bigger than my own head...  Later, I found this very interesting. In shamanism, the thinking mind is never something to be revered.

But at that moment in the journey, I was so frightened! Then, one of my Spirit Teachers said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." I told him Roosevelt said that, but he argued that gave that to him. He said that the tick is another form of Grandmother Spider.

In most indigenous cultures, Grandmother Spider or Spider Woman, is a goddess of creation, spinning the Web we are all connected to and with. There are many, many stories reflecting her power and ancient knowledge, each giving different accounts of how Spider came to be and how she interacts with us.

The tick changed her shape to a large Black Spider... and spoke!

Her voice was ancient, whispy and crackly, "I am Grandmother Spider, in one of my forms before you."

"Why did you bite me?" I asked.

"I bite many people, hoping they will see. I am pleased that you see now."

She saw that I did not believe what she was saying. "Why me?" I asked.

"It was your Path," she answered. "You were not listening before your Calling and needed the Sacred Bite of Grandmother to wake up! You were among the many who sleep. There are many who choose to sleep.

"I know your Path has been a difficult awakening, and still as your eyes are widened, illusions will fall and you will see things as they truly are. It is not an easy Path to walk. But you are among the strong. I had great hope for you and still do - because you became stronger and you called on us, the Spirits."

"No," I said, "the Spirits called me and I thought I was going crazy."

"You asked for help and we answered. But, as you know now, you were never crazy. There are many who kill, steal, cheat, rape, lie and form their lives around material possesions, greed and hurting themselves and others. That is crazy. When the white man with their ways saw the natives ones of the Plains dancing their Ghost Dance, which honored the Ancestors passed, the white people judged them and massacred them, then boxed them in and changed their culture. Now that is crazy.

Don't you know I am smarter than humankind? I am wiser and more ancient! I have survived longer through more turns of weather and meteors!

That bacteria in your body is ancient and more intelligent than humankind! Humans are so young and naive, thinking they rule this Earth, but I tell you it is the ones who honor this Earth who will endure. You have been given Sacred Knowledge. Go with this and know it is Truth."

Later, I merged with Grandmother Tick/Spider in my transfiguration work. She changed to a lavender woman holding golden chords in her hands. It was the entire cosmos with the stars, planets and celestial bodies moving through it as she held out her long fingers. I could sense the Gift of Everything she held before me.

"See?" she said. "I knew you would 'see' it."

I basked in knowing her Gift of Everything for me is the Sweetness of the Journey I have gone through - the gain of so much knowledge, spiritual growth, Love from new friends and the turn of some relationships I had previously given up on. She also gives me the Bitterness of Physical Pain and Loss of Everything - tremendous physical pain some days and inability to walk on some occasions. The loss of my previous job, my home, many "friends" - of which now I realize were such necessary changes for me to transition to my present state. She also holds the Mystery of the Cosmos and my connection to everything that has a Spirit. Most of all, she has taught me to be able to surrender to the Cosmos - as it always knows what is for my Highest Good more than I can imagine.

Grandmother sang and her energy was sweet and warm now. I could feel how ancient she was and her compassion ran deep. She song so healing, I cried the entire time.

It was a Wheelchair Weekend

Having been given a new dose of Plaquenil for Stage III (chronic) Lyme Disease, I was having severe symptoms last week after only six days. My LLMD (that's Lyme Literate Doctor) prescribed this to me as I was beginning to have tremors that resembled my symptoms that I experienced back in 2009. During this time, I was evaluated at Nursing Home Level of Care, needing a wheelchair most of the time. Although I have gotten exponentially better and seldom need even a walker, I have been taking teasel root tinctures and Unda numbers for seven months now. I have learned that as you there is a die-off of the spirochetes, it releases neurotoxins that must be released. So, while on antibiotic therapy, it is imperative to detox as well. With the Plaquenil, which is an anti-malarial drug, the Lyme spirochetes were dying off too quickly for my body to get rid of them. My symptoms are now back to where they were at Nursing Level of Care. I have not sat in that wheelchair for two years, and I am now returning to it. But I know it is temporary, and only a symptom during my healing process.

The first symptom I noticed when I first popped Plaquenil down the hatch was a buzzing in my head within 15 minutes. I felt dizzy like the room was spinning. The second symptom I noticed was the aching in my stomach after I had taken the dose, and this did not appear to me until after a few doses. By the third day, I grew incredibly exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep. This was a throwback to when I first contracted Lyme back in 2007. I grew too tired to notice or even care about the crazy acne outbursts, hives, lower GI issues and seeing bright light flashes. Then the cognitive fog began to weave its way into my thought processes until word processing regarding speech diction and even not being able to think of a particular word began to resurface... and is still affecting the writing of this blog.

Most noticeable to others: the increase of tremors, which is exactly the opposite of why my LLMD prescribed this stuff in the first place. Of course, the brain fog is the worst because you are not as aware as you would be go notice what is happening to you. But as they grew worse, the tremors were starting to become worse than they had ever been, sending shock-like electric pulse waves down my spine and hips, causing my thighs to "clap" together forcefully, painfully. My right wrist and hand twisting inwardly repeatedly and pulsing, twitching, shaking. This would go on repeatedly throughout the day, exhausting my muscles in contractions, the pain becoming so strong I would pass out, only to be woken up by the same twitches and convulsing. Neurontin is the only thing that calms this down, however, medical science does not know how this medicine works.

Although I had called my LLMD had he told me that the Plaquenil seemed to strong for me right now and to discontinue, it seemed to be still killing off the spirochetes. He told me to take sarsaparilla, which would give me the additional help to clarify the blood and help with the liver and kidney to detox the bacteria out of my body. But within one week I was in that wheelchair again.

Today, Sunday, the pain in my hips from the tremors is rather strong. My mother used a heated massager on my hip and low back area. During this time, my tremors increased dramatically, but the massage felt so relieving I began to cry. The trade-off is that my hip muscles seem to have relaxed so much that they are not firing at all. I tried to make it to the bathroom and needed help from both of my folks. So, it's back to the darn wheelchair today.

Who knew that after 3.5 years the diagnosis I so hoped for would be so anticlimactic and the healing would be like walking on coals... all over again?


But I know this time I can do it. If I made it this far, I can do ANYTHING.

Where Will I Go When I Die?

Journeying shamanically to my Power Animal, he turned me into a swift, then a black horse. My teacher (who remains unnamed here) was also with me. We traveled to one of the levels of the Upper World. I asked with intention, Where would I go when I leave my body? For it is important to know or "map" the Land of the Dead if you,as a shamanic practitioner, are to assist others in going there as well when it is their time. Death is nothing to fear. It is really a birth of your spirit back to the Oneness and is truly beautiful and humbling to be witness to.

We came to the Sacred Tree. There were passed ancestors from this life and my family of power animals there. Then many teepees, and I returned to a bliss of living with a tribe in a past life. Fields and sun and flowers abounded, but, ironically, no insects tried to bite me. Also, there was a sacred mountain in the backdrop.

I saw every insect, bird, animal there and many helping spirits greeted me. I also greeted pets that have passed in this life, specifically, Lucy, a beagle I had when I was 10 years old. She was so happy to see me and I to see her! I picked her up and she licked my face and I hugged her. 

I looked around at this peaceful, blissful place. A dragonfly passed me and was heading to another dimension. Then I realized that it was there that I could choose to manifest into lifeforms in the next life. Whether it be a dragonfly, or someone named Tina D’Amore.

Journey to the Stones

I journeyed with my Power Animal to the Middle World to this stone I held in my right hand. It was a beautiful triangular piece of quartz that I had found in my yard with rose and lavender colors. I wanted to explore its consciousness, if it would allow me to. I have learned to always respect the boundaries of Nature.

As I journeyed, it’s mouth opened. I asked to enter. She showed me how she became from a million years ago. The mining in this area unearthed her. “I give and I give and I give,” she said. 

I saw tires, plastic purses, petroleum and tumbled gemstones for sale. I realized how much this is really a raping of her. My hand heated up and I told the stone that I would give to her now. I asked, “What can I give to you?” She replied, “The power of what you can do.”

I switched hands and put this beautiful stone into my left hand. My yang side then began to give to the yin of Mother Earth. I told her I have committed my life to giving back – and that I would be back. The stone was heated in my hand when I returned to Ordinary Reality.

A Ruckus of Crows

One Saturday afternoon, in the backyard of my grandparents' old house, I witnessed many crows flying about and causing a ruckus, which is, of course, normal for crows. What was so unusual this day was that there was a huge amount gathering in the sky directly over my head. I began to call back, mimicking each call like a mirror and really wondering what the hell I was actually saying. I wondered if I was enticing the fiasco of black wings in the sky. 

As my calls became more bellow-some and passionate, some brave members swooped down to closer to my head to take a closer look, perhaps trying to figure out what kind of crow I was, walking with two feet. 

This lasted for 15 minutes and they circled around. Relenting, they began to take their energy back up higher into the sky while keeping their circle in motion. At the end of this show, and as I had thought that I had seen the best of it, a bald eagle came out and swooped into the middle of the circle. It was as if Nature had set off fireworks and just released the finale!

Elated, and always open to the messages from the Spirits, I wondered if they were trying to tell me something. So a couple of days later when I had time, I decided to do a shamanic journey and ask some specific questions:

What were the huge group of crows trying to tell me Saturday? What was the meaning of the Eagle at the end of the whole event?
 

I saw the Spokesperson (the alpha crow who would often "crackle with me at my grandparents’ house in Ordinary Reality) crackle at me and say, “Come!” and then I flew into the woods, with more crows in the forest roost. They all said, “Come with us!” 

I experienced the reenactment of what happened in Ordinary Reality then traveled into the Earth to what is called the Lower World and came out on a tree branch. The crow was with me feeding me corn and stacking it all around me. I could almost not see. Next, I grew black wings and exploded out of the corn and flew up. The crows cawed with excitement and I flew with them into the sky.  As a two-legged, looking up into the sky, watching this, I heard, “They are recognizing you. Eagle has noticed you too.” 

Crow then sucked out energy from my spine – from my head to my feet. Bear emerged out of my body and tore my left leg, my right hand and head off. Owl landed and ate parts and left pellets. Crows came with so many numbers I could no longer see my body – things were just black feathers moving where my body was. Apparently, I was being shamanically dismembered once again.

I asked if it was over, but I heard the words, “Not yet – wait.” And then the tallest sunflower grew from my navel to the heavens, like images from the tale, Jack and the Beanstalk.  From the giant yellow sunflower came a blue butterfly that flew everywhere. Then a spider grabbed it out of the sky and ate it. Suddenly, a woodpecker with yellow and white wings ate the spider and flew off. Then an eagle caught the woodpecker in mid-flight and fed it to her eaglets. The eaglets messed on the ground and oak sprouts grew from those places. A mighty oak tree with mighty roots grew there. A voice said, “You are a part of everything. Grow strong.”

We are not Body Nor Mind - We are Pure Spirit - We are One

As I journeyed to the Lower World, Bear lovingly attacked me and lopped off my head (which was a good thing - I think too much!) and proceeded to eat me. Owl tore my insides with talons and beak...

A shamanic dismemberment is an honor and should not be taken as a frightening experience. On the contrary, it is a blessing and an act of Divine Love from the Spirits, for they wish to take you out of your form to experience the Oneness that you have forgotten since you have incarnated. Like a great siv, a shamanic dismemberment returns you to wholeness and Light as it removes the energy that is not serving your Highest Good at the time. If one has never experienced this before during a journey, it is the mark of a shamanic initiation.

I seeped into the Earth as blood and found Turtle, who asked me to climb on her back. We went into the sea. As a sea turtle, I was then swallowed by an orange starfish and then spit out. Then I traveled with Turtle more. She crept up on the shore and laid eggs. I was a baby turtle in one of the eggs. I hatched with my siblings and crawled out of the nest to the sea. A pelican ate me. I became H2O and then fed oxygen to Turtle through her skin. She came up and breathed and then I was CO2 and fed a tree. 

Next, I was in the middle of a teepee. I was the smoke from the fire rising to the top. Then, I was the buffalo that was hunted that became the hide of the teepee. Quickly I was smoke again and left out of the open top of the teepee into the sky.

I then saw an eye of an elephant as she ate a leaf. I saw her baby nursing and saw that the energy of the leaf fed the baby with milk. I followed the elephants traveling trunk to tail. I turned to water as they drank it through their trunk and as I washed them in a bath. I became a leaf again, and a lime green caterpillar ate me. I turned into a cocoon and became a Luna moth. As I came back to my body, I was a butterfly with black trim, but kept changing from electric blue to green, flashing between the two colors.

Talking Turkey

Awoken by a gobbling this morning outside my bedroom window, I skillfully peaked out the shade to find a large Tom Turkey which seemed to be serenading me at 5:30am. He noticed me, to my chagrin, but surprisingly kept bellowing his love call.  A bit of a naturalist, I do know that in late April most hens have found their mates, and in fact may be laying eggs at this point. Poor Tom. Or is he?

He seemed to be quoting a soliloquy that began, "It is the east and Juliet is the sun." He fluffed all his feathers, his beard pronounced and even kicked out his leg as he called with all his lung power. Still I knew he was young and smaller than some turkeys I have had the chance to see. Hens most likely sensed his youth and need for growth to come into his own. But he is still searching, asserting his will.

Timing is always everything. The Universe is perfect in creating a dance of when things happen and when things do not happen. It is our choice to fight against the flow or go with it. When we fight Divine Perfection, we may find more things will go against what is meant to be. So, it is just better to surrender and let go. It is such a feeling of freedom knowing that you do not have to worry so much, that whatever gives you joy in the moment is what is meant to be in that moment. The future lies in that moment - not in worrying about it. The future is a seed of the events of the moment. So, water the present moment. Events will roll out of be-ing and expressing what is within you in the moment.

In Native cultures, a turkey represents the give-away. As a tribal member, a person who gives away the most to the community is one of the most respected. Turkey medicine comes out of the realization that all Life is sacred, as the Great Spirit resides within all. We can learn much from turkey.

My morning visitor, Tom Turkey, most likely has another good year to round himself out and work on that gobble. Not that it's not striking and not that he doesn't feel passionately and innately drawn to breed. So, when the Universe wills it, he will find what he is searching for. But it doesn't hurt to keep moving towards it, as long as it's with the flow.

Grateful for the Tick

During the past five months, I have been working with an integrative health doctor due to my neurological issues I have had since 2007. He came highly recommended by several people and other doctors I know. He suspected Lyme Disease. This surprised me, since I had been tested for it by the standard ELISA test about three or four times during the past three and a half years and all results came back negative.

He explained to me that these tests the antibodies in my system that fight against the bacteria, and if my immune system is down, there will be no antibodies to measure. He told me we had to build up my immune system again before he retested me. The tests given to most patients who initially show symptoms of Lyme are only 50% reliable, giving false negatives and also false positives. The tests routinely given by most docs is the ELISA test, which is standard CDC procedure (which needs some tweaking too, in my opinion). The thing they don't realize (or maybe want to admit) is that it measures the ANTIBODIES in the blood of the patient. So, if a patient is having a flare at the time and the immune system is down, the antibodies will not be fighting, so they will not show up on the test. I had recently had a Western Blot test, which had shown some bands for Lyme, but the way the test is done doesn't indicate what bands are found and where in the blood and at what time.

Right away, he had me do a detox diet and started me doing an herbal antibiotic and homeopathic remedies. I did not want to do a harsh standard antibiotic treatment - although it was an option - which would hurt my digestive tract and liver. The reason detoxing is done concurrently with the antibiotic is because the Borrelia burgdorferi bacteria releases a neurotoxin as it is killed off, which is called the Herxheimer Reaction. Really, all the symptoms come back in full force. So I am currently on the least amount homeopathically, and when I go up to the next level, I can barely walk. It's quite astonishing.  

After a few months of an herbal antibiotic and detoxing, my doctor gave the green light to test again. I was finally diagnosed with a test that was sent out to Cali. It is more detailed and tells the doctor exactly what is floating around in the blood and how long I've had this. Basically, he tells me it's done nerve damage at this point because it's been misdiagnosed and untreated for 3 1/2 years. But as a healer, I believe I am healing now, and so are all the nerve cells in my body. Hell, I no longer need a wheelchair, so watch me!

There are soooo many people with chronic Lyme with a similar story. Some have been misdiagnosed with MS, Lupus, and of course a few have been told it was "in their heads," which at one point I was told as well. I shake my head at it all. Of course, as a woman, I wonder if more woman with Lyme (or any other undiagnosed illness) are accused of the "it's in your head" theory because they are a woman, and doctors feel a need to label.

But I know there is a reason for everything, and though I would not want to restep the path of what has happened to me, I would not want it to happen any other way. I am somehow utterly grateful for the tick that bit me.