Grateful for the Tick

During the past five months, I have been working with an integrative health doctor due to my neurological issues I have had since 2007. He came highly recommended by several people and other doctors I know. He suspected Lyme Disease. This surprised me, since I had been tested for it by the standard ELISA test about three or four times during the past three and a half years and all results came back negative.

He explained to me that these tests the antibodies in my system that fight against the bacteria, and if my immune system is down, there will be no antibodies to measure. He told me we had to build up my immune system again before he retested me. The tests given to most patients who initially show symptoms of Lyme are only 50% reliable, giving false negatives and also false positives. The tests routinely given by most docs is the ELISA test, which is standard CDC procedure (which needs some tweaking too, in my opinion). The thing they don't realize (or maybe want to admit) is that it measures the ANTIBODIES in the blood of the patient. So, if a patient is having a flare at the time and the immune system is down, the antibodies will not be fighting, so they will not show up on the test. I had recently had a Western Blot test, which had shown some bands for Lyme, but the way the test is done doesn't indicate what bands are found and where in the blood and at what time.

Right away, he had me do a detox diet and started me doing an herbal antibiotic and homeopathic remedies. I did not want to do a harsh standard antibiotic treatment - although it was an option - which would hurt my digestive tract and liver. The reason detoxing is done concurrently with the antibiotic is because the Borrelia burgdorferi bacteria releases a neurotoxin as it is killed off, which is called the Herxheimer Reaction. Really, all the symptoms come back in full force. So I am currently on the least amount homeopathically, and when I go up to the next level, I can barely walk. It's quite astonishing.  

After a few months of an herbal antibiotic and detoxing, my doctor gave the green light to test again. I was finally diagnosed with a test that was sent out to Cali. It is more detailed and tells the doctor exactly what is floating around in the blood and how long I've had this. Basically, he tells me it's done nerve damage at this point because it's been misdiagnosed and untreated for 3 1/2 years. But as a healer, I believe I am healing now, and so are all the nerve cells in my body. Hell, I no longer need a wheelchair, so watch me!

There are soooo many people with chronic Lyme with a similar story. Some have been misdiagnosed with MS, Lupus, and of course a few have been told it was "in their heads," which at one point I was told as well. I shake my head at it all. Of course, as a woman, I wonder if more woman with Lyme (or any other undiagnosed illness) are accused of the "it's in your head" theory because they are a woman, and doctors feel a need to label.

But I know there is a reason for everything, and though I would not want to restep the path of what has happened to me, I would not want it to happen any other way. I am somehow utterly grateful for the tick that bit me.

Spirit of Joy and Magic

I feel like a Phoenix, and have developed a huge sense of renewal since my illness. I cannot describe it in few words, but I know that it indeed was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. There were times when I thought I would never be able to normally walk again. It was a dreadful, terrible feeling. I would sit outside and watch people walk by the house so effortlessly and think, "They don't even know what they have - they are living in forgetfulness - and I have been as well." I realized that without working legs, all I wanted to do was walk. I had not been living in gratitude. I have learned since that every day is a gift.  Now when I am walking, I am thankful. And the days or weeks when I am having trouble walking, I know it is temporary and I will walk again.

What got me through my “Dark Night of the Soul” was envisioning myself walking – envisioning this every day. I would tell myself I would walk again and that I would not need a wheelchair. I kept seeing this and focusing on it. I found an excellent physical therapist and we found that my body responded well to pool therapy. Once my legs realized they could move with the support of the water, without so much pain, it seemed like a quicker path back to homeostasis. When I could finally get out of the pool without collapsing, without the support of the water (the difference between the water and air was amazing!), I added light weights and stationary bike to my routine- three minutes at a time, then five, then six…  This succession took me a few weeks.

By the end of a few months, I was pushing 90lbs with my legs. I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, but these diagnoses did not include issues with legs and tremors and I felt (as well as my primary care doctor) that these were overlooking some severe neurological symptoms that were not explained by most medical books. These diagnoses also did not satisfy me because none of the medications or supplements for fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome did anything to help. 

One suspect at the time was that the 2007 flu shot may have caused an autoimmune response, since my symptoms came on like a flu and were extremely debilitating as far as my respiratory system goes. This "mystery illness" at the time seemed untreatable and was not asthmatic, despite aggressive nebulizer treatments, a 14-day round of antibiotics and steroids. I remember the worst of it was when I needed to take three breaths to say one sentence.  

Within one month, all of my glands were incredibly swollen, it looked like I had the mumps, but I tested negative for that and mono. My underarms swelled out to the size of peaches. Tests for lymphoma, standard ELISA test for Lyme, Cat Scratch Fever, HIV, syphilis and every other infectious disease were ordered – still nothing. Then my hands started swelling and hurting to use, but I was negative for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and other suspect autoimmune diseases. When April 2008 rolled around, I had lost my job, lost my apartment, and had to move in with my parents because I was so ill. 

Then one day, while taking Maggie (my parents’ little Cairn terrier) for a walk, my knees grew week, and my legs would not support me. I found them sinking to the ground and as weak as spaghetti.  I just sat there in the road wondering how I was going to get back home, as my legs would not work. 

After a rest, I was thankfully able to get back up. My legs were trembling and shaking madly, but I slowly made it back to my parents’ house, where my step-father then took me to the ER. This was the beginning of the round of testing for multiple sclerosis and other diseases of the nervous system.  That was over two years ago.

Now with with my current diagnosis of chronic Lyme Disease, I understand that the bacteria may have sat dormant in my body for the summer of 2007 and all that it needed was a "kick" of the flu vaccine that December for my immune system to allow it to take over. I never had the erythema migrans rash, the bulls-eye mark that occurs in a percentage of those who become infected with Lyme Disease.


I still have "flares" every 4-6 weeks and if I get a flu virus. During these times, I use a walker or cane and sometimes my legs buckle completely, but it is only temporary and can last about one week. When I caught the Swine Flu in November 2009, all my symptoms came back in its entirety. It took me months to feel symptom-free again.

To make things a bit more difficult during the worst of my illness, my grandfather, Charlie, passed in January 2009 at the blessed age of 92. He always was a bit of a father figure for me, as I adopted him as one when my parents’ divorced when I was only four. He will be remembered for always telling great stories and jokes, being the source of fantastic magic tricks and teaching me almost every New England bird and bird call I still know. I know he is never truly gone though, as he has joined his wife and my grandmother, Vera, right here in my heart.

Spiritually, I have had many enlightening moments. While I was going through the worst part of my mysterious illness, I was being treated by an acupuncturist. She told me of a shaman I should see. When I did see the shaman, I explained what was happening to me, and of the many lucid dreams and visions I was having. After some introspection, she told me I was having the "Shamanic Calling." I did not know what she meant, but she explained that when someone is sick the way I was and continues to not be diagnosed, coupled with the type of dreams and visions I was having frequently, it is a sign that a person is being called to be a shaman. I didn't really know how to take that information, but I allowed myself to be healed in several ceremonies and soon after was accepted into her Shamanic Apprenticeship. The past two years has been an eye and heart-opening experience, to say the very least.

With these healings, the two years of shamanic training, my own determination and physical therapy, I am walking normally 75% of the time now, where I was evaluated at Nursing Home Level of Care in 2009. Do I attribute all of my healing to outside sources? No, as I am a firm believer for those that have illness that they must have the intention to “Heal Thyself.”  For that is how all healing works.  I also believe in a balance between Western and alternative medicines. My goal is not to be disabled for the rest of my life.

I know I need to write a book on this bewildering and yet blessed experience. I am just trying to figure out where to begin!

Looking forward, I have started my business, 3 Crows Healing. This is my website: www.3crowshealing.com  if you are interested in seeing what I do and what has healed me.

Wishing you the Spirit of Joy, Love, Child-like Wonder and the Belief in Magic and Miracles to be with you not just during this time of year, but every day!

Transfiguration and Merging

Today, as I did my merging and transfiguration work, which is something I do frequently, I merged with a teacher of mine who gives me great peace.

For those readers who are not familiar with what the term "transfiguration" means, it is a term that was coined by Sandra Ingerman and is rather esoteric work. Shamans, and those who are familiar with journeying, spiritually traveling to other dimensions, meet their power animals from the Lower World, or teachers from the Upper World to "merge." Those power animals in the Lower World (which appears very earthy to most shamans) and teachers Upper World (which appears to most as rather ethereal) have already built a rapport with the shaman before this transfiguration work. Merging simply means "dropping form" since in reality (and non-reality) we are all formless. It is we humans who are the ones caught up on form.

As I stated, for many the teachers in the Upper World seem more ethereal, more angelic. Whatever one's spiritual or cultural background, if one passes into either the Lower or Upper World, you are free of your ego or the mind, which is very limiting  in any case, but particularly shamanic work. These teachers and power animals who appear can be quite surprising, as someone with a Buddhist background may have Christ appear as his or her teacher, or someone with a Christian background may have a Hindu Goddess be one of their teachers.

Something that is well known in shamanism is to never "brag" about one's teacher or power animal. To do so will take the power away from the relationship one has with the force. It is well known that Isis is one of Sandra Ingerman's teachers. Sandra does not brag about Isis, but writes of her interactions with Isis. And that is what I will do here.

When I merge, my heart is open to merge with whomever teacher wishes to come to me. I put on a CD called Wavepool by Robert Rand, and with the familiar sound, open up to whatever experience may happen. Today, as I inhaled and exhaled deeply, and knew she was in the room. Many times, I may need to journey to the Lower or Upper World, but today, she was right there, waiting for me to merge with her.

Sometimes, I may see a form in my inner eye (as my eyes are closed) of one of my teachers who wishes to do this work with me. But today, it was her voice that appeared first and said softly and powerfully, "Your hear is so open, so easily. You have come far, you have endured much. I come to you to tell you that it is time to shine your blessings where you go." It was the Blessed Mother. She appeared with a long gown and a covering over her hair. "I take many forms," she said, almost reading my mind, as I was remarking how she looked different from the last time we met, when she appeared to me as a large green python.

"Why are my hips hurting so much today?" I asked. She showed me baby snakes coming out of them, and I was reminded of a previous journey a friend of mine did for me. She replied, "Your energy is vibrating at a different level, your creativity at your second chakra is coming out and willing itself to manifest. Your body is adjusting to this."

She showed me writing this experience in my journal. She showed me writing all my experiences with the Divine. "Yes, you must write," she said, "but first experience what we have." And with this, she was telling me, cautioning me to not get in my head too much. I know in the past I have wondered how I would write my experiences, and this was my answer: "Do not worry, it will come. Relax and we will help you." The Great Mother was telling me that many of my helping spirits and guides would be helping me along this process - and I saw light coming from my fingers. I knew that I would be somehow channeling their messages.

At this point, her form changed to a golden pink light.

I asked her to drop her form, and I dropped mine. This is the beginning of merging. Dropping your form, your ego, and merging with your teachers, is the intention. One must realize that their "form" is their body. Going even deeper, the form of one's teacher you are perceiving at the time must also be dropped. I had been perceiving the Divine Mother as a green python (previously), a human form of the Blessed Mother, and lastly as the golden pink light. Even though this light may seem formless, it is a perception. The Divine Mother was appearing to me in those specific forms so I, as a human, would be able to recognize her.

The act of merging energy is not as difficult as some would think, of course, thinking has nothing to do with it! In fact, it is best to keep the left brain out of the experience altogether, as it just ruins it. When I merged with the Divine Mother today, our energies intermingled and my body felt lighter and responded by tingling all over. In my training, what is done next when you have the build-up of energy like this, you must not hold it back, so the large part of transfiguration work is to now tone and express the experience you are having in the present moment. Again, this is not about thinking, one's teacher will take over the voice and the toning - not language - but pure sound of Spirit, is expressed.

This piece of work, which is incredibly transforming for the practitioner, is wonderfully healing to everything else. It can be used to heal spaces, plants, trees and people. It is akin to spiritual cleansing, but in a more esoteric way. The intention held is to hold your Divine Light, but what is tricky, is to not intend healing upon others. Because you are a shining ball of light, the effect you have while others around you is for them to just absorb the light you are radiating.

In my training, I have learned that repeated healings of this have helped stroke patients walk again. In fact, many shamans around the world gather at the same time to do this work to hold the intention to radiate Divine Light for events such as 911, Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Haiti and the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. What is most wonderful is that this work can effect people on personal levels as well as for the intention to heal others and Mother Earth - our Divine Mother.

In a Dark Time

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood--
A lord of nature weeping to a tree,
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What's madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall,
That place among the rocks--is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is--
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

~ Theodore Roethke

Dust of Snow

The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.

~ Robert Frost

Crow's Feet

The noon sun blinds me
as I walk my dog
She pulls me toward her
usual walk by the sea
But in the brightness I
hear crows cawing, calling me
Saying, This is the Path I will take.

As I turn with the sun on my back
I find a single black crow
cawing against an untainted snowy field

She calls out
to her two companions across my path
Settling shiny dark feathers onto
proud backs -
While the bare arms of an
ancient oak embrace them
in the raw ocean winter wind.

The single crow flies over me
to meet the two
I hear her wings whisper over my head
Then she jolts the silence with her
"Caw! Caw!"

Their energy is so familiar.
They bring me back to the days
My Grandfather would feed the crows at 6am
cawing and calling with
such Crow Perfection.
A full murder would appear
calling back to Grandfather
thanking him
as if he was one of them -
Maybe he was.

And what is in my blood? This
bursting energy?
"Caw! Caw!" I call
to the three birds in the oak.
They peer at me in silence
and two fly away.
I should have practiced my crow call
with Grandfather, I think.

I see more lingering energy beneath me
puzzles of track marks, animal energies
captured in the dusty snow.
Peaceful deer hooves searching for food,
I feel their hunger.
Feisty red squirrels,
quick to act, leaving anxious energy in the road.

My dog is consumed by a scent
as I am intrigued by the snowy tracks.
Her nose is covered with the white powder
as she looks up at me.

The snow on the road hits the sun
and a crow print is revealed.
A three-prong track with a tree-like tail -
a child's drawing of a tree.
The energy is deliberate, strong.
"I am here," Crow says.

As my dog and I persist down the path
My legs begin to walk
slowly, with deliberate stride.
My feet feel the ground, my toes
are transformed into three prongs,
my heel into one.
I straddle the Earth.
My back is straight, my head high.
I am not alone.
The Ancient Ones walk with me.

My black coat grows into shiny black feathers
as I lift my arms
The sun meets me over the hill
and my wings spread out
to greet it, ready to fly.

Suddenly, I hear the familiar caws near me.
The three sentinels are waiting, calling, laughing
Watching from a maple -
They followed me on my Path.
They caw and laugh with me.

I tilt my head back, eyes closed in the sun
and laugh and caw
as they fly away for me.

Voices and Visions: Tatanka Iyatanka

Recently, an old Native Chief has given his image and proud face with full headdress to me several times. Once, while I washed my face, I saw this closing my eyes, appearing in my inner eye like a negative photo. It was a strong vision, but I did not know what to make of it.  

Another time later, I felt four Native people standing at the foot of my bed; one brave, two women and the Chief, again with full headress. I don’t know if I was dreaming or awake, as I was so ill at the time. But it seems it penetrated my dreams later.

Again, while I was showering, this Chief appeared in my mind again. I heard this word, “tatanka” and said it aloud. “Tatanka, tatanka, tatanka,” and it seemed so familiar to me.  

I know the Lakota word, “tatanka” because I have seen the movie Dances with Wolves a handful of times. I tried to dismiss this connection. But the light on the buffalo continued. There is another word the Chief was telling me, but I could not hear it.  

So finally I watched the bull. The Chief gives away his name by showing a light on the Plains: I see a huge bull buffalo ready to rush and charge, kill if necessary. He stands and is pawing at the Earth, nostrils flaring. I see the steam and the great grass around him.

Buffalo Stands Ground. This is his name. He is a Plains Chief, a great man. I do not know what tribe, but he shares with me all his sadness in the loss of his People. Suddenly, I feel the need to read up on the Battle of Wounded Knee...

Upon doing so, I read that there were several Chiefs involved with Wounded Knee... When I saw all the photos of the Chiefs, during that treacherous time, I saw many who did not seem familiar. But then I saw one Chief’s photo, and tears just welled up in my eyes. It was the figure I have been seeing, headdress and all. Strong face, proud mouth, prominent nose. None of the other photos clicked at all, but his did. 

His name: Sitting Bull. I have heard of him, of course, but never have read about, seen a picture, or connected to that name in this way. After doing some inner work, I feel now that he is one of my Guides.

In Lakota, his name is Tatanka Iyotanka. Tatanka is Buffalo, not Bull. After my visions, I was not sure what Iyotanka meant, but I didn’t think the direct translation was "sitting." I got that it was more "standing ground" which was perhaps misinterpreted as "sitting."

More research told me that according to his fellow tribesmen, the name Sitting Bull suggested “an animal possessed of great endurance, his build much admired by the People, and when brought to bay planted immovably on his haunches to fight on to the death.” (Utley, Robert M. Sitting Bull: The Life and Times of an American Patriot. p. 15)